Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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