So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
