All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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