I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
