is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
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my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
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No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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