Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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