Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
