i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
