cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
