tonight lets celebrate not being married
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
