genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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