Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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