What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
