And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
