....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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