Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
