physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
