I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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