She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
