No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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