I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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