It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
