I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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