mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
