just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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