I'm really into asian looking animals
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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