best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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