non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
