i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
