he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
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also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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