im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
