you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
