Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
