3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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