dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
