mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
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