i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
