woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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