I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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