I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
