Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
