i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
