Got a toothbrush?
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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