Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i already hear my dad disowning me
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
