I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
