Already got asked if we're dating
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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