Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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