She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
