doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
