I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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