12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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