My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
