Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
