so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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