I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
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Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
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